“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”
As I travel on this journey, one of the biggest lessons I am working on is knowing when to say I’m sorry. I find myself apologizing countless times for my idiosyncrasies, the little things that are just apart of who I am. I was stubborn when it came time for me to apologize for something I did wrong. Oh, and if a person hurt me, I’d hold a vicious grudge…..for years if I continued to feel the painful urge. On my peaceful journey I have to reflect on my negative parts, and make the conscious decision to change. Things will not get better if I don’t take action and I found that if I truly want the peace I seek I have to do some house cleaning; Throw away all my grudges, find the calmness in forgiving, and stop saying sorry for who I am.
Peace Is Forgiveness
I have walked on this earth for 26 years, and I am ashamed to say I recently understood what forgiveness really meant. I would hear about it all the time, but I didn’t take the time to analyze the meaning. I would think I was forgiving someone for something they did, but I was hording the pain. So what does forgiveness mean? Is it deeper then the simple “I’m sorry” we are condition to say when someone is offended, or when we’ve done an act that was horrendous and need to forgive ourselves? I think forgiveness is peace, feeling exactly what you felt in the moment and letting it go. Countless times I would say “I forgive you” with no depth behind it. I would file the pain in the back of my subconscious and leave it for a rainy day to deal. Now that I am seeking, all of those hurtful emotions (to myself and others) have come to meet me face to face, and I am ready to take them on. Forgiveness is really not for them, its for you because who wants to go through life using precious energy on anything but building a stronger you.
Grudges Are The New Cancer
As I mature and grow, I realize that there is a constant sequel of things that happen to me due to my ill intentions. I took a step back and really evaluated what was going on with my life, and why it always seemed in shambles. I saw true hate for the things that were done to me and the people that did them. I was malevolent with my intentions, because I had not known what true forgiveness was. I would push the anger, the pain I felt onto the person who hurt me never wishing for the best. In the midst of my journey, I had a wake up call, one of my best friends helped me realize. We are all hurting, and whether you like it or not we are all going through pain. Some people are just not in the place to see and accept this, so they project their agony onto others. Holding that grudge will kill like cancer, don’t tuck those emotions away for later deal with it now, I promise it’s so much easier. My mother use to tell me the old famous saying “hurt people hurt people” and we really cannot be upset with someone for doing or saying actions that we would have done. We can only share what we’ve learned, and hope that they might heal in time. I don’t want to be hurt from my experiences, so I am cleaning house, letting go of all the grudges that weigh me down, and it’s like losing weight I never knew I had.
I am constantly saying I’m sorry for my personality. The beautiful things that make me who I am, my likes, dislikes, and everything in between is followed by a shameful apology. When did I become condition to feel sorry for my quirks? The things that someone absolutely loves about you, we often feel sorry that other people have to deal with it. It’s time to stop this behavior and begin to recognize people fear what they don’t understand, that who you are goes against their norm. Ask healing for people you make uncomfortable for being you. If you have to apologize for the little parts of how God made you then that person is not worthy of the entire masterpiece. Learn to love the things that make you weird, or strange. Be different, because the only opinion that matters is yours and you obviously love it! Don’t try to make other people comfortable, because in the end it is Self that you will be with. Self would never make you choose parts of yourself to love more, it is what makes you whole and absolutely stunning. Like my best friend always says “If I’m not your cup of tea, then I’m somebody’s!” Even if you aren’t someones right cup of tea yet, never apologize for the herbs used in your tea, they are simply you and simply beautiful.
I have fought past my grudges the darkest parts of me, I opened my heart to forgiveness for others and myself (even if I don’t get the “I’m sorry” I think I deserve), and most importantly I am on the journey of self love so I will never apologize again for who I am again. We get it confused on when to say I’m sorry and we often misread the real definition of forgiveness. Everything doesn’t need an apology, but when there is wrong and the timing is right feel that pain entirely release the grudge and forgive. You’ll find all the peace you need once you liberate.
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